Episode 1:

"The Best Thing I did for my Marriage... was Ignore It"

10 years ago my marriage was STRUGGLING. I was doing everything and trying everything I could think of to fix it, but nothing was working. In fact, it was all just making it worse. That's when I decided to do something none of the experts were teaching and no one dared tried... I started to ignore my marriage.

Join me as I talk about how obsessing over trying to fix your marriage might just be the worst thing for it.

Transcript

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to my very first episode, you guys. I am so fucking excited about this. I can't even tell you. The other night I was laying in bed and thinking about what I wanted to do for this first episode. I knew that I was going to try and publish it on Valentine's Day, so I was just trying to think about all of these things and seriously, as if he was on cue, my husband comes walking into the bedroom and then with him - some of you might be able to relate to this - came all of his noises.

I don't know about you. I don't know if your partners are noisy, but my husband is just... he's a noisy guy. And the older he gets, the noisier he gets and he just has like all of these sorts of grunts and moans for everything. Like literally whenever he is moving his body, he is making a noise. If he's adjusting his pillow, there's noise.

If he's reading, there's noise. If he is reaching and getting a coffee mug down, there's noise. So I am just looking at my notes on the computer and kind of giggling and smiling because the first thing on my list of ideas to talk about it says husband's noises. But I feel like I'm gonna spare you guys from that because if you're like me, you get plenty of noises at home and we don't have to bring it up in a podcast.

But what I really wanted to focus today was on one of the things that really helped my marriage, and that was learning to ignore it. Stick with me cuz I'm sure you are sitting there like, what the hell, Aly? But I'm going to explain because this is something that has just made a huge difference in our marriage and really in my personal self as well. It has really helped me in a lot of different areas and my mental health has been in such a great place, and it is learning to ignore things or a better way might to be, say, not force it.

10 years ago, Our marriage was struggling. Struggling, and like so many of you out there, I'm sure you can relate, we went from this super happy, horny, carefree, fun... whatever you wanna call it.... couple, right? And in an instant, we were turned into this exhausted, overwhelmed. Don't you even think about fucking touching me, parents. And on top of that, we had a child that was really sick and we didn't have any real answers as to why. So it was this incredibly scary, stressful time that was nothing like the life we had envisioned for ourselves.

We were snapping at each other, yelling at each other, saying terrible things that we didn't mean out of this place of just pure exhaustion and frustration, and honestly a place of fear and pain. We just weren't in a good place. And to be totally honest and transparent, because that is why we made this podcast, the D word was said multiple times.

This went on for years and it was just the hardest years of my life. And it is one of the main motivators behind why I wanted to create the Meh-Life Crisis Guide. Why I have continued on to coach so many women through this is because it's hard. Now looking back, I know I'm not the only one and there's so much that I've learned that I wanna share and pass on to others.

During this time, if I wasn't worried about my son, I was worrying about my marriage and there were nights where I was so upset I'd be sleeping in another room because I couldn't be by my husband. And by sleeping, I mean I was laying there and wondering what the hell we were going to do? What was going on? How was I going to fix this? And I would stay awake through the night thinking about it. I would journal about it. I was reading all of the books. I was researching our love languages. I was trying to. Equally divvy up our responsibilities. All of the things that people said to try and do. I was trying to talk to my husband about it, write letters to him, email him, talk face to face about it. And of course, during that time I. Really didn't even know what to talk about. I was just forcing and fixing and trying to do, do do, and I was just trying all of the fucking things.  Of course some of them worked, but never long term and never really addressing the root of the issue.

Which I have come to learn now, and looking back, that I was just using all of the extra brain power or energy I had and I was using that to worry and try to fix my marriage, and I was obsessing over it. I was obsessing over how terrible my marriage was.

I was obsessing over trying to fix it, and the obsession  the pressure and all of the time and energy I was spending on it was by far the worst thing for my marriage. It was when I started to stop paying so much attention to it that it really started to slowly turn itself around. 

I like to compare it to when you hear people say they were trying to have a baby, and you know, they were trying I V F for all of those years  doing all of the things, and right when they stopped and they started to start the adoption process, some even had adopted their child, that's when they got pregnant. That is sort of what happened for our marriage.

It was when we stopped putting all of that attention and pressure on it, that it really gave it the space to figure itself out and get back on the right track.

And so this was working and I realized that it was working and it was really changing the way our marriage was and we were in a better place. So I decided to take it even one step further.  Like I said, at this point we were in this better place, but I was still feeling bad for not giving as much time and attention to my husband as I felt like I should be. So I decided to talk to him about it and of course,  found out he was actually feeling the same.

You know, we were in this place where we were busy working in the day. We'd come home, have dinner, spend time with our son, and when my son went to bed, we were either wanting to work or just. Spend time alone, like completely veg alone, nobody else around. And we were feeling guilty for not taking that time to be together. 

So guess what we decided to do? We decided to continue to ignore our marriage. I guess you could say ignoring it sounds harsh, and that might not be exactly the right terms, but it gets the point across. We decided to stop worrying about not putting all of the time and pressure on our marriage and just give ourselves what we needed instead, which was focusing on our careers and our self-care and just things outside of us.

We knew we loved each other. We knew the other one wasn't going anywhere. And that what we needed right then and there was to focus on what we needed outside of our marriage, and that was going to be our priority. And let me tell you, focusing on our needs outside of our marriage only made our marriage that much stronger.

Stopping to try and force... and push... and fix our marriage made our marriage naturally become closer. We organically found our way back on track, and we just became so much closer and so much stronger. And it's because our needs were being met outside of our marriage first, so that we could be better people inside of our marriage.

So if you are listening to this and your relationship and your marriage is in this place where you feel like you have tried all of the fucking things, but you are still coming up short... Try and just step back for a minute. Try to see where you might be able to back off a bit.

Talk to your partner. You might be surprised to hear that they're feeling the same way, and you might be surprised to hear that it's a relief to them and to you to just back off a little bit.  When I see people's marriages, their careers, their health and everything like that get into this place of just stress and fear and pain and all of those hard feelings.

It's when it's this force... this trying to fix it... this obsession with trying to get it right.... really makes it... NOT.

I recommend just backing off a little bit and seeing where you might be able to just step back and ignore your marriage for a little bit. It really worked wonders for my husband and I. And if it can help someone else out there, ugh, then this is what we're here for, right?

So that ends. Our very first episode of the Meh-Life Crisis Guide. Friends, I appreciate you. I really, really appreciate you and I appreciate you taking the time to listen today. I am so excited for what's to come. Have an awesome, amazing day. I love you.

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